The Surprise of Parenting

When you are expecting your first child, there are a lot of things that you expect. You expect that you will fall in love your kids. You expect a lot of diaper changes and you expect to be tired because you have been up all night with a hungry newborn. You expect the inability to sleep in for at least 10 years.

Despite all of these expectations, however, there were still a few surprises.

I fell in love with my daughter about 2 hours after I gave birth to her. I'm not afraid to admit that I wasn't sure how I felt about her until a couple of hours after I had her. The reason was that I had been in labour for 3 days (very brutal labour) and I was so exhausted that I could barely stay conscious, let alone recognize emotions of any kind. It didn't take long for me (after finally getting some food in me) and for the morphine to wear off to lay my eyes on her and fall apart with my intense sense of love and

loyalty to this person. That intensity is what surprised me.

With Grayson, the feeling was just as intense. For months, I worried that I wouldn't love Grayson as much as Mira. Not because I'm unloving, but because I wasn't sure there was enough room in my heart to love 2 people as much as I loved my Mira.

Right as soon as Grayson appeared in that hospital room though, I was madly in love. Just as intense with Mira. I wasn't drugged or as foggy as I was with Mira so the feelings of love enveloped me immediately.

Of course the first few months of having a baby is tiring. Not only is your body recovering, but you are not getting consistent sleep. If you are breastfeeding, that is exhausting. It is constantly draining energy from your body to make food for your little one.

The most surprising part of parenting came when Mira was about a year old. She had been sleeping really well through the night for the better part of a year and I was no longer breast feeding. I was still exhausted. I had  my iron levels and thyroid checked. All normal.

I was worried. How was I so tired even with proper sleep, diet and my health was in check? Even as Mira got older and was able to get up and get her own breakfast and entertain herself while I caught an extra hour of sleep, I was tired.

Then it dawned on me. It wasn't anything physical that was making me tired. It was mental.

Most minutes of everyday are consumed with either worrying or thinking about my children. I am always thinking about what they need to eat, how much food do I have left to feed the baby, what am I going to pack for Mira's lunch, when am I going to fit in that playdate with Mira's best friend, when can I get Grayson signed up for swimming lessons, when can I get Mira signed up for soccer. Then I think about Mira and worry about her losing her mittens (again!) and how will I deal with it this time. I worry about whether or not I'm spending enough one on one time with Mira, especially since Grayson was born. I worry about whether I am parenting my children in the way that will allow them to be happy and fulfilled adults. I worry. I worry all the time.

It's this constant mental devotion to my children that is exhausting. I have now realized that I will be in some state of "tired" every single day of the rest of my life as I will always think about my children and worry about them. The things I will worry about will change as they grow older. There will be some days where I will worry less and others where I will worry more.

As a parent, we worry because we care. We care about what happens to our children. We care about how we are perceived in the eyes of our children (can my kids trust me, can they be open with me and honest, do they know how much I love them). We care about what foods they eat and if they are healthy. All of these little things, thrown on top of the much bigger stressors in life (death, job, moving, etc) and I now understand.

This was not the part of parenting that I expected. I did not expect the mental requirements (separate from emotional). I love thinking about my kids. I love doing things for my kids. I love that I can be the mother that I am to them. It has been a pleasant surprise all this planning, worrying, thinking, theorizing, contemplating and justifying that has been happening. It means the love runs deep. Deeper than I ever imagined it could.

Happy Valentine's Day to my beloved children and the wonderful man that I get to share them with. You are my everything. I love you all and I am so lucky to be a part of your everyday. xoxoxo